Chapter 06

I spent a lot of sleepless nights after that appointment. Fetal demise. How awful. My baby could die inside of me and I would have to deliver her anyway. I couldnt do that. I couldnt even stand the thought of it. I talked to my husband one night about this, laying in bed, and I realized that I was saying “I” way too much. I did not matter what I could handle. It didnt matter how much it would hurt ME to go through all of this. I had to think about my daughter. I vowed that night, that I would do whatever I had to do for HER. I layed there in bed with tears running down my face and felt ashamed for being so selfish. If it was best for my child to pass away where she was safe, comfortable and knew she was loved, then I would have to deal with that and let her be as safe and comfortable as she could be. I realized that I couldnt save her life, but I could protect her time here. After that day, I woke up every morning and waited for those little reassuring flutters, and I went to bed every night and prayed for one more day of pregnancy to enjoy her. Part of me knew if she passed away inside me, that she would never feel pain or suffering, and I realized of all things, thats all I wanted for her. I didnt want her to suffer. I begged God, to please give me all of her suffering. I begged him not to ever let her hurt, not to ever let her know more than warmth and love. I was strong enough and I could take all of the pain if he could just give her peace. As our story unfolds, you will all learn how God answered those prayers, and also gave me more than I had asked for.

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