Chapter 13

12/22/12 – I cannot describe the overwhelming joy that I felt hearing my baby cry for the first time. You always wait for that moment when you have a child, and the first time you hear your baby cry is an incredibly emotional experience. Imagine being told your baby may never cry and THEN hearing her cry for the first time. It was THE most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. My child was crying, she was BREATHING, she was LIVING and I couldnt have been more thankful. By the time my husband cut her cord and she was on my chest I was sobbing. I pulled the top of my hospital gown off and laid her on my bare skin and she and I cried together. I had all of these things I wanted to say to her, but all I could say was “Oh Allie” and tel her how much I loved her over and over. I didnt want to hand her over to anyone to do any tests or anything until my baby felt me, and was baptized. My pastor was brought in immediately to meet Allison and to baptize her. As she prayed over us, all I could do was cry. All my husband could do was cry as he held the beautiful sea shell that was filled with her baptismal water. It was a very emotional time having her baptized there, naked on my chest. I was so thankful that our pastor was there to do it. This was the woman who counciled us as a young dating couple, married us, baptized our daughter olivia, and whom I work closely with at our church. She also spent countless hours talking with me through my pregnancy with Allison. Having her there to deliver this Sacrament was a blessing. After her baptism, we let the nurses take her over and weigh her. That was the first time anyone took her from me, and I wanted her back immediately but let the peds team take a look at her. She weighed in at 4lb 13oz and 18 inches long. She was much bigger than we expected! They wrapped her up and gave her to her daddy. He loved on her and held her for a while while my doctor finished up with me. When he handed her back to me her eyes were wide open. I just cuddled her and stared at her for the longest time. I remember being fearful during my pregnancy of how she would look with her cleft in her lip – but when I saw her, all I could think of was how beautiful she was, and how much she looked like her big sister. Megan gave me some warm cloths to clean Allison up a little bit and then we started allowing visitors in the room. We started with both sets of grandparents and our daughter Olivia. Since we had Ed there taking pictures we made sure to ask for pictures of everyone meeting her for the first time. I can tell you I am so glad nobody asked to hold her yet, because I wouldnt have let her go. I still didnt know if the next minute would be her last, and I couldnt let anyone else have her. Next we let aunts and uncles in, two at a time to meet her, next we let in friends. Everyone was touching her beautiful face and her sweet little hands, relishing in this amazing girl that we had all waited for for so long. Ed was still there taking pictures of her and we were just enjoying our time. I cant remember the things people said or did, all I can remember is having that warm baby in my arms and praying that I never had to let her go. After everyone had cleared out to give us a few minutes alone with her, she scared us. She started making gurgling sounds, at best I can describe it. She wasnt breathing well and her heart rate slowed significantly. The male nurse from the peds staff came in and observed her and told us that she was showing “end of life” signs. Immediately we called our pastor back in. I was sobbing more than I ever have in my life. As my pastor prayed over us, for peace and strength, I was challenging God. I remember saying “NO you cant have her! Shes MINE” over and over. I couldnt control my emotions. I was so angry and sad and terrified. God couldnt take her after I had only moments with her. This wasnt fair. My daughter couldnt die…and at that time, she didnt. Somehow she recovered on her own, started breathing again, and her heart rate became normal again. This wouldnt be the last time she would have a spell like this, it would happen 3 more times before we lost her. It was the scariest, and also the absolute most beautiful 24 hours of my life.


One thought on “Chapter 13

  1. I too delivered my baby girl at Barnes almost 19 years ago. She was born @ 26.5 weeks with Anacephaly. She never took a breath and forever changed our lives. That hospital has the most amazing people. They are angels God has put on this earth. Your story touch me so very deeply. I am so very sorry for your loss. I sit here and finish reading this with tears ….I love what you are doing with the dresses. I too had the same problem. I am blessed with a MIL that sews . She made me a beautiful little gown for our Olivia to be laid to rest in. I am going to try and do something to help you with this….I’m not sure what yet but you will hear from again. Prayers for you and your family. Time doesn’t heal however it does make it more bearable. Love to you!

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