Chapter 11

December 2012 – The first couple weeks of December went pretty smoothly. Just preparing for Christmas. We had our family Christmas portraits done which I will share after the posting, and we were happy that Allison seemed happy and safe in my belly and that we would all be together on Christmas. On Tuesday December 18th I went for my weekly appointment with Dr S. Everything was still going great! Heart rate in the 150s and nothing major happening besides my Braxton Hicks that kicked in the week or two prior. I was barely dilated to 1cm so we ended the appointment with “see ya after christmas” and an induction date still scheduled for Jan 2nd. Wednesday I woke up waiting for those reassuring kicks…they never came. I felt one or two slight jabs throughout the day but nothing compared to as active as she was. I had my BPP scheduled at Barnes for the next day, Thursday the 20th. I figured I would mention it then. By that Thursday morning, I had begun to panic. I didnt feel ANYTHING anymore. That girl who kept me up all night had gone quiet on me. I felt like something was going wrong. The weather that day was pitiful. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely hate driving in the snow. That day was frigid with strong wind and huge snowflakes making driving difficult and my trip to Barnes from my home is about a 50 minute trip. Everyone told me to cancel the appointment, that I didnt need to drive alone to St Louis by myself in that weather, but I KNEW I had to go. I got there, finally, after nearly an hour and a half of driving and they signed me in. I met my husband in the waiting room and they called us back. As usual, our tech was pleasant and very kind, and this time she had a student with her. As I laid down on the table, before we started the ultrasound, tears filled my eyes. I told the tech I hadnt felt her move in 2 days. As I was preparing for the worst, she started the BPP. One of the things they have to do is move, another is practice their breathing. She put the wand to my belly and first thing I see is a flickering heart. She was still ALIVE. Then we sat and waited, and waited….and waited some more. My baby was not moving. I cant tell you the horror of watching an ultrasound of a still baby. The only movement I saw was her heart flickering. Finally she adjusted herself a little bit, and we saw some slight movement. I kept looking over at Dustin telling him “we have to get her out. its time to get her out. shes not doing well. we have to get her out.” Our tech saw I was getting very upset and excused her student (which was a great relief to me). Allison didnt pass her BPP that day. Not much breathing and not much movement was a cause for concern. We walked out of our ultrasound room and were met by our fetal care nurse who said we had to get hooked up to an NST and see how she was doing. That was my first NST, and to be honest, I dont even know what it was for – I know its a Non Stress Test but what they were checking for is beyond my knowledge. I just know one thing – she didnt pass that either. We were met by a very friendly doctor (whos name I cant recall) but he told me, if it was our priority to meet Allison alive, then it was time to deliver. They wanted me to go over to Labor and Delivery that night. My head was spinning and I needed a moment to gather myself. I couldnt have her tonight. I wasnt prepared! I didnt have a bag packed, I didnt have a bag packed for Olivia and I certainly wanted to spend one last night together as a family before this all took place. I said I wanted to talk to my doctor. They got Dr S on the phone for me and they explained to her what they saw on the tests. I heard her reassuring voice on the line. She also told me, it was time to get her out. There was no immediate medical need to induce her, and i had the choice to say no, but if I did, my baby could pass away in my womb and I would have never gotten to tell her I love her. I asked Dr S if I could go home for the night and come back in the morning for my induction, and she agreed that it was just fine to do that. We left the hospital, and I cried. I cried for a long time. This was it, she was coming out. I couldnt protect her anymore. I wasnt ready to let go of her. I got home and packed my bags, sobbing as I went. I packed Olivias bags. We were as ready as we were going to be, to meet our special little girl…..

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